Where did Winter Break go?! Ugh, it was a month long yet it felt like it wasn't long enough! So I'm back in nursing school, starting week 3 on Monday ... eek! Already! Hopefully this quarter will fly by! The faster it goes, the faster I'm done, and the faster I can get some of my personal goals accomplished. After all, I'd like to be a mom before I'm geriatric ... just saying!!
So updates? Well I moved ... yes MOVED! No roomies for me right now! I'm renting a studio apartment all by myself and I absolutely love it! So much privacy and freedom to do whatever the heck I want to do, whenever I want. I know I've said this so many times, and perhaps it took me living by myself, but it just hit me. I can do and be whoever I want to be. For the first time in my life I don't have to check in with anyone ... worry about someone else ... and make sacrifices for anyone else. I'm ... on ... my ... own! Making my own decisions and creating my own life. Its such a weird feeling! I've spent my whole life putting energies into everyone and everything else but me and now it's my turn! So scary and so awesome at the same time!
You know whats amazing about FaceBook? The fact that you can look at your old posts ... so I did ... tonight. I took a look at my postings from July 2011 when I took my Spain trip. I'm not going to lie, it brought up a lot ...lol ... who am I kidding ... a TON of emotions from that trip. I didn't blog about a lot of the emotions I was going through because of the Ian situation, but that trip was filled with so many good and bad emotions. Dealing with divorce, out of country, where no one spoke your language was an experience. I definitely had my fair share of tears on that trip. It was so weird to experiencing so many emotions, sadness over a relationship that was over (even though it is the best decision I could have made for myself) and a new relationship being developed.
For years I never thought that I mattered, every decision I wanted to make for myself was constantly being challenged and my self esteem was being diminished along the way. I never thought that I would ever lose my voice in a relationship. I know ... I know ... your probably thinking "June lose her voice? Impossible!" Yes, I realize it's shocking :) However, I did. The crazy thing is I never even noticed! It slowly morphed into that, starting when I started dating Ian at 19. I could never understand when I would hear about women who were in relationships were there was verbal or physical abuse how they could stay in that situation. Now I get it. You just get there and before you know it you are there ... and wondering how the hell did I actually get here?
I suppose people will judge the decision I made with Ian, but it's only because they don't really know my life or the life I had. The decision to finally leave Ian took a lot of courage on my part ... it took me finally putting myself first and I stopped covering up my relationship to make it seem like something it wasn't. For once in my life I listened to my inner voice screaming at me, enough is enough. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and even though there were so many reasons to leave, and I know I left for the right reasons, its still so emotionally draining some days.
I don't have much interaction with Ian these days, things are slowly getting separated. All that is left is the house ... when I left him, I literally just left. Walked out with what I could and didn't turn back. He is still very angry with me and is down right nasty when it comes to any sort of communication ... so we don't communicate at all. No longer do I allow myself to be spoken to with disrespect and anger. He doesn't know how to respond to that ... so he responds the only way he knows how and that's with anger. My wish for his future is to seek the help to move forward in a positive light, to let go of the anger he has inside. Even through it all I wish good things for Ian ... we were together for over 11 1/2 years because there is good inside him ... he just has a hard time letting it shine.
Wow, I sure wasn't expecting to go there on this blog ... but apparently I needed to. One thing I've taken from 2011 is let my emotions be ... don't mask them. If it feels right, do it. Speak your mind, love your family and friends, take risks, listen and be true to your inner self. So for 2012 ... my resolution? BE ME! That's it ... no bells and no whistles. Simple and true. For all my friends and family, thank you for being there for me through a very tough year. Love you! Here is to a great and new year! Woot woot 2012!!
Besos!!
Go.Be.Love
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