Monday, January 23, 2012

A Little Over A Week and Bleh!

Its amazing what one week will do!  Hmm the happenings? Well, we had a crazy snow storm and school was cancelled for 3 days whcih meant I was cooped up!  Ick!  With that said it put nursing school behind and we had hell to pay for it today!  Ugh so much to do and never enough time!  So I decided today ... 4 hours 24 minutes ago to be exact that I need to be put on medication.  I really don't care what I go on ... anti-anxiety, anti-depressants, ADHD medications, or anti-psychotic.  Lol ... what?! It's a lot less calories than all the wine I have been consuming!  Yes, I realize I just said consuming too much of ... never knew that existed in my vocabulary did you?  I can also see how nursing students become alcoholics by the time they get their nursing degree;  they need it to cope with the copious amounts of stress!  Its a constant fear of failing out of the program, never getting a high enough grade, pissing off your instructors, or killing a patient.  I'll pass on all of the above please!

On the divorcee front, today is my day to wallow in my sorrows ... can the emotional crud from the end of my past relationship please pass and allow me to move on in a healthy way?  I have an idea, let's reflect on the stages of grieving and see where Im at!   Ready ....set....andgo!  It's self diagnosis time! 

1.  Shock and Denial - Check
2.  Pain and Guilt - Check but frequent revisits ..damn the man!
3.  Anger and Bargaining - Check
4.  Depression, Reflection and Lonliness - Awe crap ...looks like I'm here ...do not pass go...
5. The Upward Turn
6.  Reconstruction and Working Through
7.  Acceptance and Hope

So this stage I'm in ... dislike ... DISLIKE!  I've definitely been feeling the blues lately and couldn't quite pinpoint why exactly, but it looks like my friends I have figured it out.  Phew feels so good to know I'm normal!   So now that I've self diagnosed myself, I feel it's appropriate at this time to write a little note to Step Number 4 ahem ... here goes:

Dear Step Number 4:

I don't like you.  It's not your fault, you were put in between 3 and 5.  No wonder your depressed, your sandwiched in between a slice of anger and a slice of happiness and neither one you can embrace. You are number 4, sad and depressed while reflecting on your loss and magnitude of your old life .... I get it.  Major bummer.  Speaking of bummer, I'm bumming too!  People think I've made a positive turn in my life and I've moved on ... and I suppose I have in baby steps.  However, I still reflect on my past, the memories, and my old life.  It makes things tough ... then throw in the female hormones into the mix?  Yeah I'm more screwed than you are my friend!  So I look forward to saying goodbye and allowing my life to reach that state of calmness and organization ... for the clouds to lift and the depresson lightens.  That's my goal ... and number 4 well ... I'd like to say you'll be missed but unfortunately you won't!  The End

Best Wishes,

Goal for the week? Just make it through this week ... continue to eat healthy, exercise, and try my best to stay positive in this crazy world otherwise known as my life.  Oh and love my boys ... aka Duece and Gasper.  They've had lots of adjusting too, sometimes I forget their little slice of heaven was turned upside down too.  Luckily I've always been their favorite ... so they are adjusting well :) TeeHee!

Before I bid you farewell my readers, I've decided to share a quote ... fitting if I do say so myself!

"Always continue the climb.  It is possible for you to do whatever you choose, if you first get to know who you are and are willing to work with a power that is greater than ourselves to do it " - Ella Wheeler Wilcox


Saturday, January 14, 2012

New Place and New Quarter

Where did Winter Break go?!  Ugh, it was a month long yet it felt like it wasn't long enough!  So I'm back in nursing school, starting week 3 on Monday ... eek! Already!  Hopefully this quarter will fly by!  The faster it goes, the faster I'm done, and the faster I can get some of my personal goals accomplished.  After all, I'd like to be a mom before I'm geriatric ... just saying!! 

So updates?  Well I moved ... yes MOVED!  No roomies for me right now!  I'm renting a studio apartment all by myself and I absolutely love it!  So much privacy and freedom to do whatever the heck I want to do, whenever I want.  I know I've said this so many times, and perhaps it took me living by myself, but it just hit me.  I can do and be whoever I want to be.  For the first time in my life I don't have to check in with anyone ... worry about someone else ... and make sacrifices for anyone else.  I'm ... on ... my ... own!  Making my own decisions and creating my own life.  Its such a weird feeling!  I've spent my whole life putting energies into everyone and everything else but me and now it's my turn! So scary and so awesome at the same time! 

You know whats amazing about FaceBook? The fact that you can look at your old posts ... so I did ... tonight.  I took a look at my postings from July 2011 when I took my Spain trip.  I'm not going to lie, it brought up a lot ...lol ... who am I kidding ... a TON of emotions from that trip.  I didn't blog about a lot of the emotions I was going through because of the Ian situation, but that trip was filled with so many good and bad emotions.  Dealing with divorce, out of country, where no one spoke your language was an experience.  I definitely had my fair share of tears on that trip.  It was so weird to experiencing so many emotions, sadness over a relationship that was over (even though it is the best decision I could have made for myself) and a new relationship being developed. 

For years I never thought that I mattered, every decision I wanted to make for myself was constantly being challenged and my self esteem was being diminished along the way.  I never thought that I would ever lose my voice in a relationship.  I know ... I know ... your probably thinking "June lose her voice? Impossible!"  Yes, I realize it's shocking :) However, I did.  The crazy thing is I never even noticed!  It slowly morphed into that, starting when I started dating Ian at 19.  I could never understand when I would hear about women who were in relationships were there was verbal or physical abuse how they could stay in that situation.  Now I get it.  You just get there and before you know it you are there ... and wondering how the hell did I actually get here? 

I suppose people will judge the decision I made with Ian, but it's only because they don't really know my life or the life I had.  The decision to finally leave Ian took a lot of courage on my part ... it took me finally putting myself first and I stopped covering up my relationship to make it seem like something it wasn't.  For once in my life I listened to my inner voice screaming at me, enough is enough.  It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and even though there were so many reasons to leave, and I know I left for the right reasons, its still so emotionally draining some days. 

I don't have much interaction with Ian these days, things are slowly getting separated.  All that is left is the house ... when I left him, I literally just left.  Walked out with what I could and didn't turn back.  He is still very angry with me and is down right nasty when it comes to any sort of communication ... so we don't communicate at all.  No longer do I allow myself to be spoken to with disrespect and anger.  He doesn't know how to respond to that ... so he responds the only way he knows how and that's with anger.  My wish for his future is to seek the help to move forward in a positive light, to let go of the anger he has inside.  Even through it all I wish good things for Ian ... we were together for over 11 1/2 years because there is good inside him  ... he just has a hard time letting it shine. 

Wow, I sure wasn't expecting to go there on this blog ... but apparently I needed to.  One thing I've taken from 2011 is let my emotions be ... don't mask them.  If it feels right, do it.  Speak your mind, love your family and friends, take risks, listen and be true to your inner self.  So for 2012 ... my resolution?  BE ME! That's it ... no bells and no whistles.  Simple and true.  For all my friends and family, thank you for being there for me through a very tough year.  Love you!  Here is to a great and new year!  Woot woot 2012!!



Man Friend

Hello everyone!  I'd like to introduce you to my new man friend, Tyler.  Yes, I have a man friend ... no he is not my boyfriend because I'm not 12.  I'm 31 ... so therefore he is my man friend.  All I'm going to say is he is right for me right now.   Who knows where anything will take me but for now he is just right.  Sweet, kind, thoughtful, attentive, smart, funny, and loves me the way I need to be loved right now.  Sigh ... and yes, this is just a preview and all you get for now ... bwahahaha!  (That's my evil laugh)

P.S.  My heart is still guarded ... so don't worry about me rushing into anything fast :)

Besos! Go.Be.Love